The Benny Hill Show Wikia
00benny rome


There's No Place Like Rome is a monologue written and performed by Benny Hill on March 14, 1979. It's name is an homage to the last line of the 1822 John Howard Payne song, "Home! Sweet Home."


They told us when we got to Rome, it'd be like home from home,
The way they treats us Britons is a crime.
They done in old Charlie Klinger, a chariot wheel went over his finger.
Mind he was scratching his backside at the time.

You know, they feeds us pickled pork, tough enough to break your fork.
They serve you up your gravy by the slice,
I tell you, it's either over-cooked or raw.
I think it's their religious law. It's either a burnt offering or a bloody sacrifice!

We sleeps eighteen to a cell and you oughta cop the smell,
But you know what the one thing is that I think about that gets me through the night:
My wife's left Bristol...
And gone to live in York.
So at least her and the kids'll be all right.

Every week, they take some of us out of irons and they chucks us to the lions,
My mate Albert, he killed one lion after he provoked it;
He trod out on its tail, and this lion lets out a wail,
And bit off Albert's head, and that's what choked it.

It's a bit like football in a way cause they play it every Saturday.
They throw the lion's virgins without a stitch.
Better off to make them lions roar.
And you know, no matter what the score, you never get spectators on the pitch!

Once Cleopatra came past, clasping her little asp.
I couldn't help wondering how those red lips of hers tasted.
And Arnold starts to snicker, "She's got an hour glass figure!"
Aye, and not a minute of it wasted!

She says, "Slave, you come with me. I shall want you to see
"That my skin is kept as soft and smooth as silk."
She puts money in my hand, she says, "Take these 200 cans and get 200 cans of pure goats milk."
Well, I nearly had a fit, she had a bath in it!
And she says, "Clean out the bath like you've been taught."
Well, I drained it back into the cans, and I sold it around the town.
And what's more I sold two more cans than I had bought!

She says, "Tonight, we will have an oghee."
I thought it was pronounced orgy.
She says, "No, love, an oghee's when there's four,
"And an orgy's when there's three...
"Because the third one says, "Orgy, there's no one here for me,
"And goes out the door!""

She says, "Help me prepare."
And she lets me brush her hair,
What, she's got a dress on, well at least she's half in.
She says, "Give me my giggle garters."
I say, "Why are they called giggle garters?"
"Because once you get past them, all the sudden, you're laughin'!"

Then she grabs hold of my thighs,
And she looks into my eyes.
She says, "For your wildest desires, I'll gladly cater."
And there's me holding Cleopatra's charms in my two trembling arms,
So I...

Oh, blast... Here come those lions. I'll tell you later!