The Benny Hill Show Wikia


The New Vicar was a monologue performed by Benny Hill on December 17, 1975. It is remarkably similar to Birds and Bees from March 11, 1970 with the same impish character in front of a pastoral backdrop.


(Note: The accuracy of these lyrics are a bit in doubt.)


That new vicar up St Paul has done talked a lot of rubbish. He calls his skinny wife my lovely Helen.
She parades around in fancy clothes like she's got a nasty smell underneath her nose,
And half the time, he looks like what she's smelling.
He visits squire last Saturday, he says, "I'm starting a charity for the less fortunate brethren of our town.
"People who've had it cushy like you have got a duty to do so I hope you idle rich won't let me down."

He said, "Hang on a minute, chum!" He says, "My old dad and mum had to bring me up in a shack ten miles from Reading."
Says, "The day I was born I had calluses on my hands from trying to hang on till after the wedding.
He says, "We never had no fancy clothes,
Or smelling like a rose fawned on by some high-class nurse or nanny.
My dad worked down the pit, and he came home covered in soot and grit.
Till I was 12, I thought he was a Pakistani.

He'd come home at half past eight and he got a bath in front of the grate in the kitchen with his clothes on all over the place...
He'd stand there naked as can be,
And my mum would start crying 'cause she could see ruination staring her in the face.
I remember my mum one day saying Auntie Jean's just passed away.
So she won't be staying for the weekend after all.
So son, you'd better pop down to the corner shop and ask if they'll take back the toilet roll.

Then just a week ago, my half-sister Flo at the same time got lockjaw and whooping cough.
We got her Uncle <?> to rub her back with alcohol,
And she broke her neck trying to suck it off.

Here's my poor cousin Hugh trying to make a buck or two.
Scraping the barnacles off the bottoms of boats and barges.
And Arnie Moore and she's an old maid, got some seeing cords? on a hearing aid.
Some of the dirty swines reversed the charges!

There's my young nephew Ron and he's trying to get on.
I caught him with his boss's wife when they was kissing.
To me that little twit was like a snake hissing in a pit.
And I knew him when he didn't have a pit to hiss in.

There's my poor Cousin Harry's wife has started leading an immoral life.
The first night out was something really sordid.
She came home with a hundred quid and fifty P.
And Harry says quite naturally, "Well, who gave you the fifty P?"
She says, "They all did."

And my poor Auntie Vy still has to economize.
Right from the time she wakes up and switches her alarm off.
Three quid she had to pay for a giant deodorant spray.
One squirt it blew her bloody arm off!

And they all expects money from me.
Vicar says, "Ah, now I see. You support your relatives.
"What a generous thing to do."
He says, "That ain't the point, my friend."
He said, "I don't give nothing for them..."
"So I sure as hell ain't giving nothing to you!"