The Benny Hill Show Wikia


The Fisherman’s Tale (or “Trespassing at Lakeside Park”) is a monologue told by Benny Hill on Mar. 22, 1972. The bit features Benny as a fisherman with Jackie Wright sleeping by his side near a “No Trespassing” sign for Lakeside Park. At the end, Bob Todd shows up to arrest them.


(Note: These lyrics are taken from the DVD release of the episode; the accuracy of the wording is in doubt.)

We’re trespassing, you know,
The water bailiff, he said so.
And he says, “There’s no trespassing.” but him.
He once caught me with my rod.
He said, “You dirty rotten sopping clod. You're fishing!”
I said, “No, I'm teaching the worm to swim.”


“Look here. I told you twice before.
"Poaching salmon is against the law.
"Well, I suppose you’re out to get one in your net.”
I said, “I'm after stickle-back pike.”
He said, “Oh, what were they like?”
I said, “I don't know. I haven't caught one of them yet,”

I used to have trouble with my flies.
And then Old Joe, he put me wise.
He knows all there is about fishing there is to tell.
I've known him to tickle a trout…
And like lightning whip it out.
I've known him to catch a girl that way as well


Here, once we took a boat out on the bay
Fourteen cod we caught that day.
“I told you we would get a good place.” Joe said that day.
“We’ll mark it.” says Pat
I said, “How are you going to do that?”
He said, “That’s easy, We’ll put a chalk mark on the side.”
I said, “That's diabolical. That's stupid. That's illogical!”
I said. “Make a chalk mark on the side of the boat? You silly goat.
“Chances are, if we come back another day, likely we will get a different boat.”

He said Eskimos cut a hole in the ice…
Floats out on some pieces and waits as quiet as mice.
Hoping to catch a carp, a cod or a night sole.
He says he waits there patiently until the fish come up for a pee’…
And then what?

And then he kicks them back through the ice hole!

Once he told the local barmaid how he one day caught a mermaid
He says, “I got her off Plymouth Sound.
"A bust that measured forty-two,
“A waist that measured twenty-two,
“And the rest of her was eighteen pence a pound!”

Dear Edward, what a lad he is…
Once he took out Cindy Flore
She said, “Look at that swan swimming ashore.”
She said, “There's a horse. There's a cow, and that pig is a boar.
“Oh, look at that, Joe.”
And he says, “I know.”
And she goes, “Well, why did you go treading through it for?”

He married her one day.
Well, there was a tiddler on the way.
When he was born, we all wanted to know the weight.
He says, “He weighs near enough a pound.”
So Charlie, he turns 'round,
He says, "Gol, you only just got back your bait!”

He’d be a young man today…
In his own pop-happy way…
Chasing some unattainable dream.
But when he's a bit more older,
And a bit more wise
He might be begin to realize the joy of just sitting by a stream.

In a world filled with its aggression, hate, fear and depression
And a bit of happiness in the world….
Spend an hour with fishermen,
And you might well find peace again…
With some of the more peaceful men on Earth.

I got one! I got one!

(Jackie wakes to help Benny reel in his fish. Bob Todd as the water bailiff rushes in to arrest them.)