The Castaway is a comedy monologue by a character Benny Hill played on February 11, 1981 who describes taking a trip, getting lost at sea and stranded on an island before he gets rescued. The routine was performed alone on a stage before a jungle setting, joined by Henry McGee as the steward off the Titanic. He plays a similar castaway character in a series of quickies on March 25, 1981. There's actually two bloopers in Benny's material. One is that the Titanic had a North Atlantic route and never passed anywhere near the South Pacific setting of the sketch. Two, it was the H.M.S. Titanic, not the S.S. Titanic.
Oh, hey, over here! yes, I'm the only one. That's right. I'm the only one....
You see, this whole whole mess started in Dungeness,
When Jacques and I went signed on for a trip to Sri Lanka
The captain said, "Away Anchor," I said, "No need. It's written there. Half a ton."
In the boiler room Ray said, "Meet my stowaway.
She's nineteen years old her name's Nell
And I heard myself shout, "Suppose someone finds out."
He said, "Yes, but who's going to tell?"
That night there was a gale,
And the crew clung to the rail.
No one else was more sick than Carruthers
And Dr. Rumack said, "You got a weak stomach?"
I said, "I'm chucking it as far as the others!"
Then Nell crawled up on deck with her dress soaking wet.
She said, "I'll get pneumonia and die."
I said, "Is there a Macintosh here big to cover this poor dear."
Jacques said, "There's a Mactavish that's willing to try."
Then the whole ship went down
I said, "Mind you, don't drown!
"Hang on to a buoy if you can."
Nell looked at me coy,
And said, "Get away from me. You're a dirty, old man."
And as we reached the shore,
We were greeted my four great big natives
One was a king you can tell.
And old Alan Chisum said, "Do you practice cannibalism?"
He said, "No never. We do it quite well."
And into the pot they put Charlie Dot,
Harvey Dunn and his big brother David...
Who with a smile on his lips said,
"Well, we've had our chips,
"But at least I've ruined his gravy."
The king stripped Nell bare
And as she stood there
With both pairs of cheeks blushing red,
He said, "God, that looks tasty,
"Oh lads, don't be hasty,
"I'll take breakfast in bed."
He turned to the crew
Being turned into stew in garlic and oil
He said, "Lads, could you do us a favor,
"Will you shout when it starts to boil?"
Oh majesty, why did you spare me?
He said, "Well, we had visitors from liners and freighters,
"But each time we got an Irishman in the pot
"The beggars ate all of the potaters."
It's usually it's the Irish bloke who's the butt of the joke
This time it twas English that took to panic...
But I'll be leaving this isle...
And leaving in style...
Aboard the S. S. Titanic......