Bio[]
Pepys' Diary is a comic song written and performed by Benny Hill which spoofed the British 1957 mini-series, "The Diary of Samuel Pepys," starring Peter Sallis. It was one of Hill's favorites among his compositions. and he performed it three times on TV, once for his BBC Series on April 26, 1958 and twice on Thames Television. The televised versions on Thames have different lyrics than the version released to the public.
Lyrics[]
(This is the version from February 24, 1971. Nicholas Parsons, Bob Todd, Lesley Goldie, Jenny Lee Wright, Sue Bond, Geraldine Burnett and Yvonne Paul provide the chorus.)
A shy young maid has took a room down at the village inn.
Her bedside light is oh so bright, and the curtains oh so thin.
At nine o'clock, she enters her room; at half past nine, she sleeps,
Lord Clarendon walks quickly on but naughty Samuel peeps.
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
On Tuesday night, I kissed her hand. Oh, I was very keen...
It was eleven inches long. The biggest hand I'd seen.
But as I kissed her hand a thought into my mind was put.
If that hand had been one inch longer, I'd have kissed a foot.
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
I said, pray tell me, what would you do if you fell in the sea one day.
Would you tear all your clothes off so that you might swim away?
She said I would keep my blouse on. That's the method I'd employ.
For the air gets underneath it, and it acts just like a buoy.
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
(On May 1, 1989, Benny performed the song again with the following lyrics. He was joined by Anna Dawson, Johnny Hutch, Bob Todd, Debbie Scamp, Sue Upton, Mike Mulloy (in mustache and goatee), Lorraine Doyle, Jon Jon Keefe in Victorian costumes doing the chorus and an unrecognized Henry McGee on the piano.)
A shy young maid has took a room down at the village inn.
Her bedside light is oh so bright, and the curtains oh so thin.
At nine o'clock, she enters her room; at half past nine, she sleeps.
Lord Clarendon walks quickly on but naughty Samuel peeps.
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
I went to rent a lady's house, she handed me the key,
She said, "It's to be let as it stands with all that you can see."
"'And are you to be let with the house?" said I in a very saucy tone,
She said, "I'm not to be let with the house. I'm to be let alone."
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
Well, he picked up his wife in her chastity belt and climbed up on his horse.
He left the key with his footman if he was killed in the wars.
He had not gone far when the footman shouted breathlessly.
"Squire Phipps, this key doesn't fit." He said, "You're telling me!"
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
Halfway up a wall outside a castle in Tranmere,
There is a sign that reads, "The Duke of Denby was born here."
Now, I've traveled far and I've traveled wide, but ne'er can I recall,
Of ever hearing of a duke born half way up a wall.
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
On Thursday morn', my wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy.
As the doctor took me to see them, my heart was full of joy.
When he said, "He's got your husband's nose." She looked a bit surprised.
She said, "That might be, but you have to admit. He has his father's eyes.
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.
For we know it's right, it's in black and white,
And it's all written down in his diary.