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Bio[]

News of the Family is a ballad sung by Benny Hill in the opening of the December 5, 1973 episode. The background music was by Los Zafiros.

Lyrics[]

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There’s an English boy in jail in Valencia
Who gets a letter from across the sea,
Saying, dear son, this is your father, I think,
With news of the family.

Your mother’s gone back on the coal round
And she comes home as tired as hell.
Oh, stick it, I say
For just one more day,
Or until that poor cart horse gets well.
And your half-cousin Gail is in Holloway jail,
But at least she’ll be near to her mum
And your great auntie Clara
Stole two ton of cascara,
And I hear that she’s still on the run.

And the welfare are giving two bottles of Guinness
To all 45-year-old mums.
And men over 50 get two pounds of sugar
To help them preserve their plums.
Your ma keeps making me tea cakes
From a recipe your auntie lent.
In my mouth, they melt just like butter.
In me stomach, they set like cement.
She keeps on experimenting
With different ways she can fill me.
Oh, it's just like playing Russian roulette,
'Cause I never know which meal will kill me.

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We all went to the wedding
Of that stuck-up Miss Redding,
But we all behaved very nice.
And we never let on
She was seven months gone.
We just stood there and threw puffed rice

Me mother-in-law is still in hospital.
In ten months, she’ll have been there a year.
But her old man’s no dope,
‘Cause he still has Hope,
And sometimes Hope’s sister, Maria.
And old, Charlie Pride
Stole a ton of fluoride.
He said it makes the water taste grand.
But last Tuesday, when he fed his goldfish
One of them bit off his hand.

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Well, goodbye, my son. Now don’t worry about us.
Though Lord knows where we’d have been
Without that half a million pesetas
That we got for turning you in.

Episode(s)[]

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