The Benny Hill Show Wikia


Fait, Ope and Carity is a comedy monologue performed by Benny Hill on March 14, 1979. The premise of the bit is that pupils at the Thames Drama School (and apparently the graduating entertainers) are not permitted to paraphrase and must perform scripts exactly as they have been written. When presented with a poem by Walter Winchell written twenty years earlier on a typewriter missing the letter "H," he is required to recite the poem exactly as it has been written. Hence, "Faith, Hope and Charity" must become "Fait, Ope and Carity."


Next door to a sop tat sells fis and cips,
In Arrow on te Illl,
Lived Pillip, a pysioterapist,
Is cums all called im Pil,

E was very muc in love wit a girl called June
E poned er wenever e could.
E sent er a cocolate box, cock a block wit cocolates
But it didn't do any good.

E picked er favourite flowers,
Ten gave 'em to er in a bunc,
E tried to sin up er drainpipe,
So se invited im in for lunc.


Se offered im cicken sandwices,
And a carcoaled grilled lambcop,
E just kept smoking and cewing is cewing gum,
Se tougt e'd never stop.

Se said, "I can't enjoy our little cat,
Wit your as all over te floor,
Wy don't you put your as in te astray,
Tat's wat te damned ting's for."

E said, "Marry me or live wit me,
I really don't care wic."
Se said, "I'll give you my boot, you uncout yout,
Get out! Don't come back till you're ric."

Ten along came Poebe, wearing a cincilla fur coat,
Tat almost reaced to te ground.
Te couple met in a laundorette,
Wile e was watcing is wasing go round.

Se said, "I'm no Sopia Loren,
I know tat my sape's not so ot,
I may be old in te toot, my teet may be false,
But I could give you suc a lot.

"You dine on roast peasant, you drink cilled campaign,
As you lay on some sundrenced beac,
I may be sixty-tree, I've te skin of a peac,"
E said, "Yea, sixty-tree, you're on peak!"

Se said, "Sow me a little carity, you sall ave my last farting,
Of tat I give you my word,
Tey were married next day, up Arrogate way,
Tursday, Marc te tird.

Wen I banged on te door of is fine ome in Cicister,
I got suc a nasty sock,
I eard im mutter, "O sit,"
To is dog wo was running amock.

E said e'd a appy life, full of good ceer,
And a lady tat e could adore,
E said, "A May-December marriage worked fine for im,
But ten June ad te ouse next door."