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10

Benny the Mountie

Bio[]

Eskimo Nell was the opening monologue of the February 23, 1977 episode. It was performed by Benny Hill dressed as a Canadian Mountie on a snowy set with a small cabin marked "Women's Prison" and delivered on a set pulled by a small poodle. Between stanzas, he tries cracking a whip to ill-timed sound effects. It seems very loosely based on the bawdy Vaudeville and music hall tune from the 1940s except with entirely new lyrics.

Lyrics[]

The men who inhabit the town of Sinkowan are a rough and unscrupulous mob...
Once we put up a notice, "Man Wanted For Murder," and sixteen applied for the job!
Into this living hell come Eskimo Nell, with a big smile for each lumberjack -
I won't say she's cross-eyed, but each time she cried,
The tears used to run down her back!

The Chef she once loved had been taken above
For one night as they laid by a hedge, along came his wife
With a long handled knife and she cut off his meat and two vedge!
But she liked a few laughs, She played ludo and drafts.
She even indulged in some streaking.
But we never found if she had varicose veins...
Or if her fountain pen had started leaking.

Jake was up at the bar; he was drinking cam-par-i when Eskimo Nell wandered in,
He near died of fright when she said “Mine’s a lite”
And she ended up soaked to the skin.
To add to her discomfort, a man eating a crumpet dropped dripping all over her knee.
She said, "Heaven's above."
he said, "I know that love, but I've got to get back to me tea."

Big Jake flashed her a grin, and he bought her a gin.
And as she sat in her bar stool with it,
He says, "I've been told you're hard, and you're cold."
She says "So's dynamite until you fool with it."

That tickled Old Jake, and he bought her a steak which she promptly had set in a ring.
The next day Jake married Nell,
But the cocky hotel clerk said, "We're full up. We haven't a thing."
But Jake, he was smarter.
He said, "If President Carter came, you'd jolly soon find him a bed."
He said "Course, we would."
"He said "Well, that's good, he's not coming, we'll have it instead."

Jake took to coming home late.
"Just four pints with me mates," he'd say. "Honest, I've had little else"
One night, Nell found a note and on it was wrote,
"I love you, Jake." Signed, Little Else.

Jake was took very ill; as he made out his will, he said,
"I've been unfaithful, my dear, with Jean, Annie and Flo."
And Nell said, "I know, and that's why I've poisoned your beer."

At the funeral, the vicar had drunk so much liquor,
He could hardly see what he was reading.
And what's even worse, the bloke driving the hearse was fined fifty dollars for speeding!

Well, the Judge knocked up Nell... (correcting quickly) Locked up Nell....
She's all alone in that cell.
And some nights when I'm out here on guard,
I think of her there, in her cell cold and bare,
Cause to live all alone is awful hard.
It's like a rose without rain,
Like a creature in pain, to live without love is a sin.
It's sad but its true... but what can I do?
She's got the key and won't let me in!

Episode(s)[]

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