The Benny Hill Show Wikia
Benny ernie


Ernie - The Fastest Milkman In the West is a comic song written and performed by Benny Hill. It was released in 1970 and made the British Music charts, hitting #1 in 1971. Benny sang the song as the character Slim Whitmore on December 23, 1970.


You could hear the hoof beats pound
As they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels
As they spun round and round
And he galloped into Market Street
His badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Now, Ernie loved a widow
A lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Linley Lane
At number twenty-two
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty, proud and chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there
Three times every week
They called him Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said “Alright sweetheart”
And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He said “You wanted pasteurized,
'Cause pasteurized is best”
She says “Ernie, I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest”
And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Benny ernie2

Now, Ernie had a rival
An evil looking man
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington
And he drove the baker's van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size
Of his hot meat pies
It very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon
And he said, “Now if you treat me right,
You'll have hot rolls every morning
And crumpets every night”
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer
Was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

One lunchtime, Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half-past four
And as he leaped down from of his van
Hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart
And he didn't kick his horse
Who's name was Trigger (Trigger)
And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west

Now, Ernie rushed out into the street
His goldtop in his hand
He said, “If you want to marry Susie
You'll fight for her like a man
So why don't we play cards for her”
He sneeringly replied, ”And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side”
Now, Ernie dragged him from his van
And beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face
And Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was too quick
Things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt
Sent it spinning from his hand
Now, Sue she ran between them
And tried to keep them apart
And Ernie pushed her aside
And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise
As the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
And Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Benny ernie3

Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die
Now, he's gone to make deliveries
In that milk-round in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
And a milkman's life is full of fun
In that fairy dairy land
But a woman's needs are many fold
And Sue, she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernies ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west